well..
i guess dat applies on a case-to-case basis huh...


perfect..
wat does it mean?..
izit being sumting dat lives up to sumone else's expectations?..
or our own expectations?..
does it matter wat others tink n expects of us?..
does it matter if we can or cannot live up to their expectations?..
does it matter if we live to our own expectations n ignores their expectations?..
which is more important?..
living up to our own expectations?..
or living up to other's expectations?..
which is more important?..
we can live up to the expectations?..
or we cannot live up to the expectations?..
which exactly matters more n is important?...



these...
are qns...
of which, the ans...
she wun get...
n find...
not anytime soon anw....



she stays up at nite..
tinking abt lotsa stuffs dat's been weighing on her mind..
all the happenings..
the tings dat she cant shake off..
n then recently..
sumting happened..
then she came to realise sumting..
she dun understand it...

she dun understand y..
the blame's literally on her..
they fought bcos of her..
or so she said to her..
she said dat evrytime they fought..
it'd b abt her..
it's not the way she wanted it to b..
but dat's juz the way it goes..
tis wasnt the 1st time..
n she's sure dat it wun b the last..
tho she hoped.. n hoped..
over n over again..
dat it wud b over..
evrytime tis happens..
she wants it to b over n done with..
as soon as possible..
but of cos..
dat's not the way it goes...

n then she gave up n she said to herself..
"fine.. sorry.. you can put the blame on me..
it doesnt matter anw..
it's been tis way..
for as long as i remembered..
n im so used to it already.."...

she's sorry dat she's not living up to their expectations..
she's sorry dat she does all the tings dat they dun want her to do..
she's sorry dat bcos of her, they always fought..
she's sorry dat they tink dat she's not matured enouf..
she's sorry dat they fall sick tinking of wat she's become..
she's sorry...
for she's sumting dat they haf..
that is not perfect...
she's sorry she cant b gd enough for them..
she's sorry she cant b at home when she shud haf been..
she's sorry she's not in bed evrytime during bedtime..
she's sorry she's always coming home late at nite til the morning..
she's sorry she's making them wait up for her tho they had to go to work the nxt day..
above all..
she's sorry she can b evryting else..
except their perfect lil' daughter...

she's forced to grow up faster than any1 of her age..
she wants to go back to the field of innocence..
where she rmmbrd the world from the eyes of a child..
she wanna go back to believing in evryting…



deep inside..
she's missing sumting..
deep inside..
she's empty..
deep inside..
she's not breathing..
deep inside..
she's breaking..
deep inside..
she's dying..
deep inside..
She's lost herself...



1 nite she was watching Crossroads..
on her lappy..
she's on her bed..
n all alone in her room…

"I used to think..
I had the ans to evrything..
But now i know..
That life doesn't always go my way...

Feels like I'm caught in the middle..
That's when I realise...

I'm not a girl..
Not yet a woman..
All I need is time..
A moment that is mine..
While I'm in between...

I'm not a girl..
There is no need to protect me..
It's time that I..
Learn to face up to this on my own...

I've seen so much more than u know now..
So don't tell me to shut my eyes...

I'm not a girl..
But if you look at me closely..
You will see it in my eyes..
This girl will always find her way...

I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe..
I'm just trying to find the woman in me..
All i need is time.. That's mine..
While I'm in between."

da da da, da da da..
the song goes on playing in her mind..
again n again..
while tots came flooding in her mind..
she starts crying..
she sat on her bed..
comforting herself..
not knowing of anywhere..
nor anyone to go to and turn to...

then, she suddenly felt so pathetic..
there was so little ppl dat she cud trust..
ppl dat she cud turn to when she needed them there for her..
she has always been ever so strong..
dat she din tink dat it'd b tis way 1 day..
she felt so useless..
n so worthless...



n as she's all typing tis..
her cheeks r all wet..
from the tear drops dat keep rolling down from her eyes..
n drops like dripping tap water..
from her chin to her folded legs on the bed..
her breath got hotter..
her vision got blurry..
n she noes..
she's gonna cry herself to sleep again..
juz so she cud go to sleep..
like evry other nites...

but these few weeks..
i’ve been having difficulty sleeping..
evry nite I come home from work.. tired and all..
when I lie down on my bed..
i close my eyes.. n try to go to sleep..
but when I open my eyes.. to my disappointment..
it’s still dark n i had closed my eyes for oni half an hr..
yea, it seems like there’s a lot on my mind..
but i cant really place my finger on wat it reli is..
even after i clear my mind of any possible distraction to sleep..
i’d find myself tossing n turning in bed.. closing my eyes n opening them again..
oni to see the time on my hp.. which shows; 3.32am..
i lied on my back.. hugged my small pillow.. n stared at the ceiling..
then turn right.. then left.. take a look at my hp..
now it shows; 3.58am..
after closing my eyes for a long time, or so I felt dat it was long..
after tossing n turning in bed again for the tenth times or more..
i took 1 last look at my hp.. tis time it shows; 4.45am..
i close my eyes.. n then I reli fell asleep..
after wat seems like so long..
but most of the times that i felt like i was asleep..
i noe i wasn’t.. u noe wat i mean?
umm.. nvm.. u guys dunno wat I mean anw..
n then comes the time when im really asleep..
i start to dream.. most of the dreams were..
meaningless.. or so it proves noting that cud b of a point to me rite now..
i dunno if they were dreams.. or juz plain nightmares..
haiz.. dream… nightmares….
wat do they really mean…
wat do they wanna show…
wat r they actually tryna bring up to us..
it’s sumting dat i’ll never know n never will figure out…..

so I’ll wake up everyday at ard 12-1+pm..
always juz in time for work..
n my everyday routine starts..
wake up in the afternoon..
go to work..
after work I’ll either return home straight..
or chill wit the rest til the early morning..
yes.. I understand and I know fully well..
that it’s not safe for a gurl like me to b out at nite..
but it’s wat I can do.. to forget wateva that i’ve been tinking abt..
i may seem rebellious.. out of control.. most of the time..
but it’s not as if I want to b this way..
circumstances made me this way..
“dun blame circumstances wid..”, “dun blame evryting else wid..” ….
that’s all I’d ever hear from ppl ard me..
but they’re not me.. u guys r not me..
so how wud u know wat im really feeling deep inside..
wat im really tinking in my mind..
wat im really experiencing rite now..
dun talk to me as if u already knew me..
cos u dun.. u really dun..
mayb others had gone thru the same ting that i haf..
or mayb others had “suffered” more than i haf now..
but everybody takes evryting differently, dun we..
so how izit possible ppl try to say that wat they experienced is the worst yet?
how izit even possible for them to acknowledge it that way?
worst yet.. how izit even possible for them to start comparing?
n yes.. im well and fully aware that evryting happens for a reason..
n that god wudnt gif us anyting that we cant handle..
but it really feels like im going crazy..
… giving up and breaking down soon......

for the very 1st time in my life..
i was very nervous abt getting my results..
i was never nervous or scared before..
tho i knew i din reli do my best..
especially during the Os..
but sumhow..
the frens ard me lately..
they had showed me dat..
getting gd results reli mattered..
ok.. not dat i din noe dat before..
i was aware of dat since pri sch..
but sumhow i was never worried abt my results since young..
it was oni now.. dat i suddenly..
reli feel the importance of it..
it strucked hard on me...

so when i actually received my result..
my heart skipped 3 beats..
i din expect the results displayed on the screen..
tears welled up in my eyes..
which i haf no idea y..
but i was so happy i passed..
unexpectedly...

Here's my grades:
EG1008 Engineering Maths: B
EG1009 Electric Circuits: C
EG1010 Digital Electronics: C+
EG1046 Maths 2 (Complmntry): A
EG1221 Digital Elctrnics Project: P
EG1222 Programming Techniques: C
EG1223 Creativity & Innovation: D
EG1224 Engineering Drawing: D+
EG 1225 PCB Design & Prototyping: B+

see see..
i've improved..
n most unexpectedly..
i got a C for both EC n DE.. lol
to Zai, Epul n Zis..
u guys helped me a lot.. thx a lot!
im so happy n bersyukur sgt2 dat i passed evryting..
alhamdulillah.. =)

29/02, Friday:
haven start to go back to work yet...
i still wanna enjoy the post-exams atmosphere..
so i went out wit my dear Abg Ramadhan Shah..
went riding wit him til abt 3+am..
wanted to go for movies..
but change plans instead...

01/03, Saturday:
no plans in the day..
so i slacked at home..
wanted to blog n checked emails..
but brothers were using the desktop n lappy..
then Abg wanted to ask me go chill wit him..
but no definite plans..
so after much tinking..
it was only at 8+pm, there was a plan..
so went out wit ibu n Abg to West Coast Recreation Centre..
wanted to bowl or pool.. but sumhow..
plans changed again..
so went to Holland V's swensen's..
visited shafiq at work..
ibu ate salad, i ate fries n calamari rings.. Abg watched.. lol
he din wanna eat cos he felt like vomiting.. so, yeah..
we weren't being mean ok..
much unexpectedness.. Fiq paid for us.. we all tot he was joking..
until he shoo-ed us to leave.. i took a look at the micros..
n yeah.. our table's bill's cleared.. thx Fiq.. hehe
after which.. we went to West Coast Park (wcp for short)..
lepak there.. talked abt a lot of stuffs..
then ard 3am.. Wak Razak pick us up..
we went to East Coast Park (ecp for short).. leaving Abg's bike at wcp..
so Abg n i sat at the water breaker.. while ibu talked to wak abt sumting important..
then ard 4.30am.. we made a move, left ecp.. at 1st, wanted to go home straight..
but then plan changed again.. went to cheese prata shop to drink..
after which, sent Abg to wcp to get his bike.. n us, home...

02/03 Sunday:
after i came back from the outing to Holland, then wcp, then ecp..
i actually planned to not sleep.. so dat i'll b able to wake up for madrasah..
but in the end.. din go madrasah.. cos i fall asleep.. woke up oni at 1pm..
juz a nice timing to go to work..
work was as usual.. not reli dat bz..
compared to sat nites.. so then..
din go home straight as well.. it's Kak Ida's last day..
so went out to celebrate.. went to newton to eat..
wit her n the other swensen's staffs..
it was fun.. after eating.. we talked n crapped..
took a whole lot of photos.. which i haven gotten any til now..
after eating.. took cab to bukit timah to play pool..
played pool all the way to 7am..
Kak Ida n i waited for a cab..
we waited for more than half an hr before we got a fussy cab driver..
who dun wanna go to 2 places.. so i got down at kakak's place..
then took another cab.. thx kak for belanja-ing us all... =)

03/03, Monday:
So after i reachd home.. i din sleep..
i ironed clothes n then go out to bank at one raffles quay..
after paying my dad's bill..
meet up wit dhirah.. as promised..
but juz a lil' later.. sorie darL..
after meeting her at marina sq'a macD..
we went to buy tix for the movie which we had planned to watch..
so while waiting to go into the theatre..
we took a few photos.. bcos we realised dat..
evrytime we go out.. we never take photos wit each other..
so we bought nachos n popcorn.. n enjoyed the movie..
The Leap Years is reli a movie worth watching..
it's a reli touching story..
but sumtimes i wonder..
does tings like these happen in reality?
guess not too much huh...
but anws.. we sat at starbucks til 8pm after the movie..
enjoyed our java chip n mocha frappe..
n so sad.. Dat guy wasnt working.. =( But it's ok.. hehe
after finishing our drinks n small talks..
we made our way to vivo..
she wanted to buy her snickers dat night itself.. so, yeah.. i accompanied her..
it was a very quick trip.. then we went back separately.. we were very tired..
or it was more of i was the one who was tired.. lol =P

04/03, Tuesday:
i woke up early..
ok mayb not dat early..
ard my usual timing to wake up on holidays.. heh
accompanied my bro to Lavendar to make his IC..
after which i straight away went to work..
Feron Jie wanted me to learn cashiering..
cos the only ting i din learn at PS was cashiering n making ice creams n the beverages..
so then Glenda wanted to go k-box..
it was, of cos, expensive.. owing to the fact dat i haven got my pay yet..
so we went to play pool instead..
Izam, Iza, Hafiz, Glenda n me..
last game for pool was ard 2.30am..
we then chilled at entertainment's macD..
at 1st we only wanted to chill for awhile then go home..
but plans changed again as we were playing cards..
Glenda had the clever idea to gamble..
so i watched them.. Glenda's luck was late.. lol =)
so played cards til 1st bus in the morn..
oh oh!.. n i got a medium size coke for the price of $1.. hehe
thx macD guy.. =)

05/03, Wednesday:
went out wit azy n kavi..
1st.. ate lunch n watched vcds at azy's hse..
wit her, rizal, kavi n ramu (kavi's guy)..
after completing the 2 vcds..
we went to starbucks @ vivo..
drank n talked abt old times..
but more of updates on each other's lives..
then went to ayer rajah food court to eat dinner..
kavi had to go at ard 9+pm.. so ramu went to sent her home..
then it was Azy, Rizal n me.. ate til finish.. while talking..
then walked back home.. yes, u read rite..
walked from ayer rajah food court to our hse..
dat's ard half an hr's walk.. gd exercise..
then reachd Azy's blk.. sat for awhile..
talk, talk, talk.. laugh, laugh, laugh..
n then i went home..
it was gd catching up guys..
to kavi.. i dun nurse any grudges..
wat's past, is past..
let's keep the bad times we’ve had behind us.. =)

06/03 - 08/03, Thurday - Saturday:
i slept long2 on thurs..
n to b honest.. i cant reli remember wat i did these 3 days..
i oni rmmbrd working n then back home..
wake up the nxt day n off to work again..
so on sat nite after work..
Abg fetch me, as usual..
but that nite was along wit his cuz; Amri.. i tink dat's the name.. *oops*
so we went to eat at wcp's macD.. i oni drank a $1 coke while they ate..
cos i wasnt hungry.. i tink was too tired to eat.. or no appetite.. cant rmmbr..
so after dat.. went riding.. n then Abg sent me home..
i reachd home ard 5+am..
not dat sleepy.. but still went to sleep...

09/03, Sunday:
noting much happened to day..
went for madrasah..
was half-awake-asleep..
n then go work at 2pm..
after which.. home sweet home...

10/03, Monday:
i went to work as usual..
after work, went home late again..
tis time, played pool wit Dinath, Izam n Glenda..
after which, we sat outside LJS n talked abt wat's been happening in the outlet..
we talk3 n din realised dat it was already 4+am..
so Din decided dat we all take cab home..
took the same cab..
sent me home 1st, then himself, then Glenda, lastly Izam...

11/03, Tuesday:
worked as per normal..
after work, ate at Entertainment's macds..
wit Kak Aisyah, Abg Irsyad, Abg Shahrul, Aisyah, Iza n Hafiz..
caught the last bus home..
n then walked home from interchange...

12/03, Wednesday:
Off today..
actually i had to attend the leadership course in campus..
but i woke up late.. and felt lazy..
so i slacked at home the whole day.. to cover the lackness of energy..
plus, i haven really been spending time at home anw…

13/03, Thursday:
worked 12-11pm.. did cashier for the 3rd time..
finally getting the hang of it.. slowly.. but surely..
after work, lepak wit Huda n Izam n Glenda til 3am+, after playing pool wit them plus Kak Ida n Abg Shahrul..
Glenda came from camp.. so quite obvious that she was tired..
but still stubborn wanna stay til 1st bus..
i called Wak Razak to come pick us and sent us home..
thx wak.. =)
so he sent Glenda 1st, then Izam then Huda n me…

14/03, Friday:
worked n did cashier again..
today, i learnt how to pack cake n stuffs like dat..
covered almost all.. except for online cake ordering ting..
n cake counting n stuffs.. quite confusing uh..
then went to newton to celebrate Guan's last day..
took Dinath car.. blast the stereo.. was woohooo!..
BUT scary.. cos he drives like a mad man..
like he's racing or sumting.. 120km/h on normal lanes..
so imagine on the highway in the car wit him..
swerve the car.. change lanes w/o much warning..
we whined down the windows..
so Kelly Jie’s n Glenda's hair was all over the place.. my selendang too.. =)
Fuad was holding tight at the front seat.. but it was cool.. heh
then after eating, ard 2+am.. the rest wanted to go drinking..
i called Abg to pick me up.. waited til ard 3am.. the rest waited wit me..
he came, they left, we left.. but we din go home straight..
went lepak at bukit batok wit Abg’s frens..
after which ard 5am.. he sent me back home..
n then he went back to lepak wit them…

15/03, Saturday:
dad’s bday today.. sadly.. i cudnt get off..
so wished him happy bday and then off to work..
work today.. was bz as hell..
almost went crazy.. very tiring..
customers kept coming in after tables were cleared..
long queue at the front.. n by 8+pm..
evry1 was sooo tired n lazy to entertain the customers..
including the manager; Kak Aisyah.. pity her..
but we still haf to.. cos it’s our job..
n guess wat.. sales for the day.. 11+k..
that’s a lot compared to other Saturdays..
no wonder it was bz and tiring til we cud all go crazy..
n luckily.. the customers werent that much of a bitch..
i oni encounter 1 bitch of a customer..
who really made me curse and swear..
n that stupid Raaaymond..
our outlet chef.. I really hate him for now, I swear I hate him..
I hate him so much that I wish I cud punch him in his face..
uurggghhh… so infuriating..
can i complain to the area chef?.. plz..
y did u even promote him to outlet chef..
u shud haf promoted Alex a.k.a Ah Fat instead..
he’s way better.. uurghh…
ok so after work.. Abg sent me home straight..
actually he had planned for us to meet Danny Kor to go eat together..
but we were tired.. so straight home..
after reaching my place, sat at the carpark at my blk for awhile..
we talked.. then I went home.. slept all the way til morning…

16/03, Sunday:
was so tired to even wake up for madrasah..
today is the submission for our assessment ting..
and I totally forgotten to do 1 assignment..
so din go anw.. got up at ard 12+pm..
went to work at 2pm.. was tired.. but still ok..
lucky not as tiring.. tho managers expected an early crowd…

17/03, Monday:
slept all the way to 1+pm..
again, to make up for the lack of sleep..
Razis’s b’day today..
Happy B’Day Razis !!!!
already gave him bday wishes personally earlier on in the morning; 12am..
then i slacked all the way.. was home alone..
til ard 4+pm.. when my bro came home..
but then he went out to play I tink..
it feels nice to b at home the whole day.. alone at dat..
so then after sooo long.. i switched on my lappy..
it feels soo gd to b able to do my stuffs again today..
was chatting wit quite a no. of ppl..
whom i haven been chatting wit for a long time..
thx Danny Kor.. u made my day.. u’re the best.. =)
hopefully we’ll meet up on of these days ok..
now that im free.. heh
so then.. i was writing this very long, long post when suddenly..
i lost my internet connection..
darn it.. so i hafta wait for the nxt day to publish it…

18/03, Tuesday :
So today..
im completing this very, long, long post dat I haf been typing since yesterday..
but i haven been able to publish it..
so i’ll juz include today’s events as well..
din haf anyting planned..
cos basically.. im kinda half broke..
cos i haven gotten my pay yet..
i haven gotten the last 2 months’ pay to b exact..
so, yeah.. the reason y im almost broke now..
n that is y.. im gonna stay home..
help out wit necessary house work..
n catch up on tings i’ve been missing these past few weeks…

Well, anw..
BIG news ppl..
my exams results coming out tmr..
at 6am in the morning..
can hardly wait..
but at the same time..
i dun feel like knowing my results..
sumhow.. i haf a feeling that I din do well for it.. *gulp*
oh wells.. i deserved it, dun i...
n so i haf a feeling dat i cant sleep tonite... =s